Snz and I have been together for, next year, thirty years. We are seldom apart. So why then would I allow her, when she’s in New York visiting family, to endure one of the worst nights of her life. She could not contact me and I did not fix that inability or explain the cause of it persistence, until damn near 24 hours. She went the night and most of a day thinking I was injured, sick, or worse.
I’m old and there are exacerbating health issue. Her concern is justified which is why we have proscribed morning and goodnight be safe and howdies with the occasion e-mail back and forths.
Without going into my cell phone Ludditism, she cell phones in to our home’s landline. That landline stopped working yesterday. I was furious. Bills paid, but there was some prepositioning of equipment for street repairs set to happen, so a pole brush by truck may have pushed a short, or something as simple as some squirrel working a high wire in some windy city wind.
Whatever the bastard phone was dead. And I went ballistic. I went DefCon 1 deranged. And I couldn’t talk my self down. And I didn’t work the problem, and I went to self-pity which lead to a strategic stupor, which removed any tactical consideration. And then the real problem happen. I could not recall my e-mail password. The plan being to notify SNZ of the no dial tone but we’ll always have wi-fi. But I could not remember the password. And that’s when a booster rocket of self-pity set in. And the thought process scrambled my only solution, fuck it, there is no solution.
Now why would I behave in such a way that would cause needless emotional harm to the person who is the love of my life, my best friend, and to this very day been my Champion. What would I do that. That’s not who I’am. Or, god damn, is it? Or is it who I’ve always been or who I’m becoming.
Did I experience some age-related mental episode that relegated my reason to disappear to the point that I would so disrespect the person I care most for.
Why in the fuck would I go so fast to what the fuck, when all I had to do was go down the block,a door or two either way, and say hey neighbor I have known you a decade or two, can I use your phone.
I finally recalled my password mid-day today. And advised SNZ of the whys and wherefores and that I am safe and well.
She’s now fine and full of relief and full of pardon, and feels we should move on, but I’m afraid of where we’re headed. If last night and today’s behavior is who I actually am, or for some medical reason becoming, either way it’s very disconcerting.